Another time after expatiating on her Mother’s virtues and unmerited affection, she goes on to inform her that there is One—
“Whose love surpasseth thine as far As Sol excels the falling star. My Mother ONE request I make That thou wouldst pray for Jesu’s sake That he would break this heart of stone And mould it like my Saviour’s own.”
Was it all mere humbug and “patter”? The question can best be answered by quoting the following letter to her Father. It is written impulsively in pencil on scraps of paper,—the questions and answers being on different slips. The wording of the questions has sometimes been altered and corrected, so presumably she drafted them herself. The little sheaf has been thrust “anyhow” into an envelope (addressed to _Mrs_. T. Jex- Blake) which bears postmark “Ramsgate, Ap. 21. 1851,” and Mrs. Jex-Blake has quaintly endorsed it “very nice.”
I fear you are very uneasy about me for I have indeed manifested no visible proof of a new and clean heart, but I think much of my soul too much for me to speak even to you of it. But I cannot _talk_ so whenever anyone tries to talk to me of it I always turn it into jest but I must write (I cannot speak) to you about it so I have written some questions down and endeavoured to answer them as _before God_. So do believe _each word_.
1. If you died this instant what would become of you? And could you face death unflinchingly?
I know not what would become of me but I fear I should go to eternal torments. And do not think I could face death unflinchingly for this reason.
2. What would be your first emotion when you found yourself in the presence of the Judge of quick and dead?
Fear I think but yet I think that I should claim Jesus’ promises to lost sinners.
3. If Christ came this night and asked you ‘Lovest thou me’ what would be your answer?
Yes Lord although I am very wicked and cold and dull yet I could say without hesitation I do love thee very much I often feel my heart warm towards thee and something tells me that one day I shall love thee far better than I do now.
4. Could you before God say truly ‘I strive to live as I hope to die’?
No I fear I could not although sometimes I do try to do things to please Jesus.
5. Do you really in your heart know your religion to be a mere form or do you really feel its life-giving influence on your heart?