Well, _jacta est alea_. The events of to-night have precipitated our destiny. In all probability Hamdi is powerless to take her from my protection, and this marriage is unnecessary as a safeguard. I have no notion of the international law on such points--but at any rate it will make the assurance of her safety absolute. No power on earth can take her from me. Great Heaven! The thought of her gone forever out of my life brings the cold sweat to my forehead. Without her, child, enchantress, changeling that she is, how could I face existence?
I shall have my heart’s desire. Why, I should be athrill with the joy and the flame of youth! I should laugh and sing! I should perform the happy antics of love’s exuberance! I should be transported to the realms where the fairy tales end!
Instead, I sit before a dying fire, as I sat last night, and am oppressed with the sense of tragedy. It was not altogether Carlotta’s innocence that formed the barrier between us. That which rendered it impassable was Judith’s white face.
Judith’s white face will haunt my dreams to-night.
I do not like living. It is thoroughly disagreeable. Today Judith taunted me with never having lived, and I admitted the justice of the taunt and regretted in poignant misery the change from my old conditions. If to live is to have one’s reason cast down and trampled under foot, one’s heart aflame with a besotted passion and one’s soul racked with remorse, then am I living in good sooth--and I would far rather be dead and suffering the milder pains of Purgatory. Men differently constituted get used to it, as the eels to skinning. They say _“mea culpa,”_ “damn,” or _“Kismet,”_ according to their various traditions, and go forth comforted to their workaday pursuits. I envy them. I enter this exquisite Torture Chamber, and I shriek at the first twinge of the thumbscrew and faint at the preliminary embraces of the scavenger’s daughter.
I envy a fellow like Caesar Borgia. He could murder a friend, seduce his widow, and rob the orphans all on a summer’s day, and go home contentedly to supper; and after a little music he could sleep like a man who has thoroughly earned his repose. What manner of creatures are other men? They area blank mystery to me; and I am writing--or have been writing--a sociological study of the most subtle generation of them that has ever existed! I am an empty fool. I know absolutely nothing. I can no more account for the peaceful slumbers of that marvellous young man of five-and-twenty than I can predicate the priority of the first hen or the first egg. I, with never a murder or a seduction or a robbery on my conscience, could not sleep last night. I doubt whether I shall sleep to-night. I feel as if I shall remain awake through the centuries with a rat gnawing my vitals.