"If you've lost three husbands," he wrote, "I should say you are much too careless to be trusted with a fourth."
One of the best examples of the humors of cataloging comes in Sonnenschein's "Best Books," volume one, page 121, where Prof. Henry Preserved Smith's well-known Old Testament History appears thus:
_Smith, Prf. Hy._ "Preserved O.T. History."
It was in one of the social settlements conducted by persons of a philanthropic turn of mind. The young kindergarten teacher, having finished the morning's talk on hygiene and sanitation, wished to make a practical application of the lesson. Turning to one little youngster whose face, hands and whole appearance bespoke the crying need of soap and water, she asked:
"Izzy, when the house gets all mussed up and dirty, what does mother do?"
LITTLE BOY--"A penn'orth each of liniment and liquid cement, please."
CHEMIST--"Are they both for the same person, or shall I wrap them up separately?"
LITTLE BOY--"Well, I dunno. Muvver's broke 'er teapot, so she wants the cement, but farver wants the liniment. 'E's what muvver broke 'er teapot on."
An old farmer and his wife drove to market one very wet day when large pools of water had formed in the roadway between the farm and the town. On the return journey he met an old friend.
"And how are you today?" was the friendly greeting.
"Very well, thank you," answered the farmer.
"How is the missus?" continued the friend.
"Fine," answered the farmer. "She's behind there"--jerking his thumb toward the back of the wagon.
"She's not there!" exclaimed the astonished friend.
The old farmer turned and looked over his shoulder. Then he coolly replied:
A small boy, who was sitting next to a very haughty woman in crowded car, kept sniffling in a most annoying way, until the woman could stand it no longer.
"Boy, have you got a handkerchief?" she demanded.
The small boy looked at her for a few seconds, and then in a dignified tone, came the answer.
"Yes, I 'ave, but I don't lend it to strangers."
Do not tell me the books you have read; let me glean it from your conversation. Do not tell me of the people you associate with; let me observe it by your manners.--_Emerson_.
POWELL--"He can make two lemons grow where only one grew before and then hand them both to you when you are not looking."--_Judge_.