"How curiously names with professions agree, For Twining would be _wining_, dispossess'd of his T."
But we shall favour the reader with a few of the best modern examples.
Men once were surnamed from their shape or estate, (You all may from history worm it:) There was Lewis the Bulky, and Henry the Great, John Lackland, and Peter the Hermit. But now, when the door-plates of misters and dames Are read, each so constantly varies From the owner's trade, figure, and calling, surnames Seem given by the rule of contraries.
Mr. Fox, though provoked, never doubles his fist, Mr. Burns in his grate has no fuel, Mr. Playfair won't catch me at hazard or whist, Mr. Coward was wing'd in a duel. Mr. Wise is a dunce, Mr. King is a Whig, Mr. Coffin's uncommonly sprightly, And huge Mr. Little broke down in a gig While driving fat Mrs. Golightly.
Mrs. Drinkwater's apt to indulge in a dram, Mrs. Angel's an absolute fury, And meek Mr. Lyon let fierce Mr. Lamb Tweak his nose in the lobby of Drury. At Bath, where the feeble go more than the stout, (A conduct well worthy of Nero,) Over poor Mr. Lightfoot, confined with the gout, Mr. Heaviside danced a Bolero.
Miss Joy, wretched maid, when she chose Mr. Love, Found nothing but sorrow await her: She now holds in wedlock, as true as a dove, That fondest of mates, Mr. Hayter. Mr. Oldcastle dwells in a modern-built hut, Miss Sage is of madcaps the archest; Of all the queer bachelors Cupid e'er cut, Old Mr. Younghusband's the starchest.
Mr. Child, in a passion, knock'd down Mr. Rock, Mr. Stone like an aspen-leaf shivers, Miss Poole used to dance, but she stands like a stock Ever since she became Mrs. Rivers. Mr. Swift hobbles onward, no mortal knows how, He moves as though cords had entwined him; Mr. Metcalfe ran off, upon meeting a cow, With pale Mr. Turnbull behind him.
Mr. Barker's as mute as a fish in the sea, Mr. Miles never moves on a journey, Mr. Gotobed sits up till half-after-three, Mr. Makepiece was bred an attorney. Mr. Gardner can't tell a flower from a root, Mr. Wilde with timidity draws back; Mr. Ryder performs all his journeys on foot, Mr. Foote all his journeys on horseback.
Mr. Penny, whose father was rolling in wealth, Kick'd down all the fortune his dad won, Large Mr. Le Fever's the picture of health, Mr. Goodenough is but a bad one. Mr. Cruickshank stept into three thousand a-year By showing his leg to an heiress:-- Now I hope you'll acknowledge I've made it quite clear Surnames ever go by contraries.