A certain rector, just before the service, was called to the vestibule to meet a couple who wanted to be married. He explained that there wasn't time for the ceremony then. "But," said he, "if you will be seated I will give you an opportunity at the end of the service to come forward, and I will then perform the ceremony."
The couple agreed, and at the proper moment the clergyman said: "Will those who wish to be united in the holy bond of matrimony please come forward?"
Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the altar.
The Irish lad and the Yiddish boy were engaged in verbal combat. Finally the subject came down to their respective churches.
"I guess I know that Father Harrity knows more than your Rabbi," the little Irish boy insisted.
"Shure, he does; vy not?" replied the Jewish boy. "You tell him everything."
A man got in a cab at a Southern railway station and said: "Drive me to a haberdasher's."
"Yaas, suh," said the driver, whipped up his horse and drove a block; then he leaned over to address his passenger: "'Scuse me, boss; whar d' you say you wanter go?"
"Yaas, suh; yaas, suh." After another block there was the same performance: "'Scuse me, boss, but whar d' you say you wanter go?"
"To a haberdasher's," was the somewhat impatient reply.
Then came the final appeal: "Now, look-a-here, boss, I be'n drivin' in dis town twenty year', an' I ain't never give nobody away yit. Now, you jes tell dis nigger whar't is you wanter go."
"How is the law made?" asked the instructor in United States history.
"Oh," replied the maiden, cheerfully, "the Senate has to ratify it; and then the President has to--has to veto it; and then the House of Representatives has to"--she hesitated for a moment, and knit her pretty forehead.
"Oh, yes! I remember now," she said. "The House of Representatives has to adjourn until the next session!"
"Has this bill been endorsed by the Prohibition party?"
"And met with the approval of the I.W.W. and the Bolsheviki?"
"Then instruct Congress to pass it as another great measure restoring the rights of the people."
Wilson and Wilton were discussing the moralities when the first put this question: "Well, what is conscience, anyhow?"
"Conscience," said Wilton, who prides himself upon being a bit of a pessimist, "is the thing we always believe should bother the other fellow."