"To get into the gallery of the House of Commons," said a punster, "a man must have the ribs of a _rhinoceros_; to obtain a _good place_ in the body of the house, the qualities of a _camelion_; to secure a seat on the _treasury_ bench, he must not fear to _tread-a-wry_. _Opposition_ he must write thus--'_oppo_'-site--_position_; _ministerial, men-who-steer-well_. _Private bills_ he may quote as examples of _private punishment_; the _speaker's_ dinners, a _speechless_ banquet, where every guest leaves _politics_ for _polite-tricks_. To speak _well_ and _long_, you must display _artificial_ feelings, have _leathern_ lungs, a face of _brass_, an _elephant's_ sagacity, and a _lion's_ courage; and, with all these qualifications, you may _perchance_ be considered _bear_able; without them you are certain to come in for a _scrape_[26]."
[26] Alluding to the practice of the members _scraping_ their feet upon the floor when a speaker is considered tiresome.
If you mean to be a _domestic_ animal, never marry a woman of a _wild_ disposition. An _ugly helpmate_, though she may have the wealth of _Plutus_, and the _virtues_ of an _angel_, can never be considered as a _lovely wife_. If you would live happily, always _whistle_ when your wife _whines_ or _scolds_. If she should grow _furious_, take yourself into the _cool air_, without trying to pacify her. A man who exposes himself to a _storm_ is sure to get _pelted_. Never offend the ears of a modest woman by a coarse or indelicate expression: the _fairest mirror_ is stained by a _passing breath_. Never marry a woman for _money_, lest, obtaining the _honey_, you are stung by the _queen bee_. Never lose an opportunity for making a _good pun_, when you can do it consistent with _good nature_, and without endangering the esteem of _good friends_. A _pun_, to pass _current_, should bear the _stamp_ of _wit_, and be _struck_ off in the _mint_ of _originality_. A _genuine bad pun_ is not always a _bad joke_. _Late_ hours make _lazy_ servants, a _loquacious_ wife, and end in making a _long_ purse _light_, a _long_ illness _heavy_, and _long life_ very uncertain.
Blackmantle's labours here, are done, Ye wits, and wags, in mirth who revel; Approve each epigram and pun, And Bernard proves a merry devil.