_Mr. ----._ How can that be--Isn't it eau de _vie_?
_Mrs. ----_, at some time, must call for the nutmeg grater.--You take it, and address your neighbour: Sir, you are a great man, but here is a _grater_.
The sweetmeats will be praised of course.
_Mr. ----._ All my wife's doing. Nancy's a notable woman, I assure you; but I'm more _not able_ than she is, an't I, my dear?
_Mrs. ----._ (_Blushing._)--I can take a hint. My dear, pray touch the bell.
_Mr. ----._ (_Chucking a young lady under the chin._)--Yes, my love, I'll touch the _belle_.
_Mr. ----._ No, I think you _wag_, but--(_bowing_)--I _bow_ to you.
The ladies gone, the gentlemen need no instructions. They will all have recourse to their _mother tongue_, and the most ignorant will shine the most. The master must begin with half a dozen obscene puns, to make himself agreeable, and the conversation general[32].
[32] Here I have run my pencil through several puns on the ladies' retiring. Though he says it is unnecessary, _Swift_ could not help indulging the natural bent of his genius, which is a strong proof of the authenticity of the MS. An additional evidence appears in a query in a memorandum made on the margin of this MS. for the puns for a _farmer_. Some one, who has rye-fields, is to write to him--Pray send _me men to mow rye_? and he is to return a skull. _Memento mori_--Don't you see? But query--will _mowing_ rye do for any but _our Irish farmers_?
_Mr. ----._ (_Entering after all the rest._)--Ah! Mrs.----, what I see you are _at home_ to a t to-night.
_Mr. ----._ "Sine _te_ juventas." That's wrong. It is _right_ that you should not be _left_ out.
_Mrs. ----_ purposely sends a dish of tea to a lady, without sugar, of which she complains.
_Mr. ----._ (_Handing the sugar basin._)--Well, ma'am, if you do not like it, you may _lump_ it.
[Miss Lucy plays on the piano-forte, but is to fail in her first attempt.]
_Mrs. ----._ (_As planned._)--That comes of playing at sight.
_Mr. ----._ At _sight_! Why what the deuce would come if she was to shut her eyes?
If any thing like serious or sensible conversation should be introduced, and there's no knowing what some dull fellow may not do, put an end to it at once with a pun. If he talk of war, suppose he means the _Pun_-ic war, and say that in your battles you are with Livy--"_Punc_tim magìs quam cœsim peto hostem." If he speak of the army, look archly at your wife, and say you expect soon to have a son _in arms_, &c. Should he mention the Prince of Wales, inquire, which is greater, the DOLPHIN _of France_ or the _Prince of_ Wales? solving the question immediately with Juvenal's