“When I saw him, next day, I was so ashamed that I could not look him in the face. I felt the deepest regret for my action, and accused myself bitterly for having thus sullied this friendship, which was to be and remain so pure and precious. In order to prove to him that I had lost control of myself only momentarily, at the end of the semester I urged him to make an excursion with me; and after some reluctance, the reason of which was only too clear to me, he consented. Several nights we slept in the same room without any attempt on my part to repeat my action. I wished to talk with him about the event of that night, but I could not bring myself to it; even when, during the next semester, we were separated, I could not induce myself to write to him on the subject; and when I visited him, in March, at X., it was the same. And yet I felt a great desire to clear up this dark point by an open statement. In October of the same year, I was again in X., and this time found courage to speak without reserve; indeed, I asked him why he had not resisted me. He answered that, in part, it was because he wished to please me, and, in part, owing to the fact that he was somewhat apathetic as a result of being a little intoxicated. I explained to him my condition, and also gave him “Psychopathia Sexualis” to read, expressing the hope that by the force of my own will I should become fully and lastingly master of my unnatural impulse. Since this confession, the relation between this friend and me has been the most delightful and happy possible; there are the most friendly feelings on both sides, which are heart-felt and true; and it is to be hoped that they will endure.
“If I should not improve my abnormal condition, I am determined to put myself under your treatment; the more because, after a careful study of your work, I cannot count myself as belonging to the category of so-called urnings; and, too, because I have the firm conviction, or hope, at least, that a strong will, assisted and combined with skillful treatment, could transform me into a man of normal feeling.”
Case 95. Ilma S.,[102] aged 29; single; merchant’s daughter. She comes of a family having bad nervous taint. Father was a drinker and died by suicide, as also did the patient’s brother and sister. A sister suffers with convulsive hysteria. Mother’s father shot himself while insane. Mother was sickly, and died paralyzed after apoplexy. The patient never had any severe illness. She is bright, enthusiastic, and dreamy. Menses at the age of eighteen without difficulty; but thereafter they were very irregular. At fourteen, chlorosis and catalepsy from fright. Later, hysteria gravis and an attack of hysterical insanity. At eighteen, relations with a young man which were not platonic. This man’s love was passionately returned. From statements of the patient, it seems that she was very sensual, and after separation from her lover practiced masturbation. After this she led a romantic life. In order to earn a living, she put on male clothing, and became a tutor; but she gave up her place because her mistress, not knowing her sex, fell in love with her and courted her. Then she became a railway-employé. In the company of her companions, in order to conceal her sex, she was compelled to visit brothels with them, and hear the most vulgar stories. This became so distasteful to her that she gave up her place, resumed the garments of a female, and again sought to earn her living. She was arrested for a theft, and on account of severe hystero-epilepsy was sent to the hospital. There, inclination and impulse toward the same sex were discovered. The patient became troublesome on account of passionate love for female nurses and patients.