Why is a man going to be married like a felon being conducted to the scaffold? Because he is being led to the altar (halter).
If there was a bird on a perch, and you wanted the perch, how would you get it without disturbing the bird? Wait till it flew away.
When two men exchange snuff-boxes, why is the transaction a profitable one? Because they are getting scent per scent (cent per cent).
Why are young ladies the fastest travelers in the world? Because the day before marriage they are at the Cape of Good Hope, and the next day afterwards they are in the United States.
Sometimes with a head, sometimes without a head; sometimes with a tail, sometimes without a tail; sometimes with both head and tail, and sometimes without either; and yet equally perfect in all situations? A wig.
A gardener, going to fetch some apples out of the orchard, saw four birds destroying some of his best fruit; he got his gun, and fired at them, but only killed one; how many remained on the tree? None; the rest flew away.
The man who was struck by a coincidence is in a fair way of recovery.
The fellow who rushed into business "run out" again in a short time.
How to get a good wife--Take a good girl and go to the parson.
How to strike a happy medium--Hit a drunken spiritualist.
The young lady whose sleep was broken has had it mended.
The movement that was "on foot" has taken a carriage.
Hearty laugh--One that gets down among the ribs.
Epitaph for a cannibal--"One who loved his fellow-men."
A squeeze in grain--Treading on a man's corn.
To get a cheap dancing lesson--Drop a flat-iron on your favorite corn.
Why is a candle with a "long nose" like a contented man? Because it _wants (s)nuffin_.
When does rain seem inclined to be studious? When it's _pouring_ over a book-stall.
The only kind of cake children don't cry after--A cake of soap.
Housewife's motto--Whatever thou dost, dust it with all thy might.
Why is life the riddle of riddles? Because we must all give it up.
It is said that the pen is mightier than the sword, but that depends on the holders.
In making wills, some are left out and others are left "tin."
The society lady never sheds a tear. She knows enough to keep her powder dry.
Something that carries conviction with it--A police-van.