An Irishman, upon arriving in America, was asked his name at Ellis Island. He gave it.
“Louder,” again said the officer; “why, man, your voice is as soft as a woman’s!”
“Well,” said Pat, “that might be. Me mother was a woman.”
A merry party being gathered in a city flat made such a racket that the occupant of a neighboring apartment sent his servant down with a polite message asking if it would be possible for the party to make less noise, since, as the servant announced, “Mr. Smith says that he cannot read.”
“I am very sorry for Mr. Smith,” replied the host. “Please present my compliments to your master, say that I am sorry he cannot read, and tell him I could when I was four years old!”
A prominent man called to condole with a lady on the death of her husband, and concluded by saying, “Did he leave you much?”
The salesman in a large department store wore a troubled look. “You must be severely tried,” said a man standing by. “There are all sorts and conditions of people in the world,”
“Yes, there are,” said the salesman, “and they’re all here, too!”
A young man engaged board and lodging in a private family who were extremely devout. Before each meal a long grace was said. To their dismay and horror the new boarder sat bolt upright while the others at table reverently bowed their heads. When the second day passed and the young man evinced no disposition to unbend, the good lady of the house could endure the situation no longer.
“No, madam,” humbly responded the new boarder; “boil.”
As the railroad train was stopping an old lady, not accustomed to traveling, hailed the passing conductor and asked:
“Conductor, what door shall I get out by?”
“Either door, ma’am,” graciously answered the conductor. “The car stops at both ends.”
“Good-morning, Mrs. Stubbins,” said the parson; “is your husband at home?”
“’E’s ’ome, sir, but ’e’s abed,” replied Mrs. Stubbins, who had just finished hanging a pair of recently-patched trousers on the clothesline.
“How is it he didn’t come to church on Sunday? You know we must have our hearts in the right place.”
“Lor’, sir,” retorted the faithful wife, “’is ’eart’s all right. It’s ’is trouziz!”
President Lincoln once wrote to General McClellan, when the latter was in command of the army. General McClellan, as is well known, conducted a waiting campaign, being so careful not to make any mistakes that he made very little headway. President Lincoln sent this brief but exceedingly pertinent letter: