"Well, Mr. Carnegie," was the answer, "all I can say is that if I'd had the rolling of her, I should have given her two or three more passes."
A very stout old lady, bustling through the park on a sweltering hot day, became aware that she was being closely followed by a rough-looking tramp.
"What do you mean by following me in this manner?" she indignantly demanded. The tramp slunk back a little. But when the stout lady resumed her walk he again took up his position directly behind her.
"See here," she exclaimed, wheeling angrily, "if you don't go away at once I shall call a policeman!"
The unfortunate man looked up at her appealingly.
"For Heaven's sake, kind lady, have mercy an' don't call a policeman; ye're the only shady spot in the whole park."
A jolly steamboat captain with more girth than height was asked if he had ever had any very narrow escapes.
"Yes," he replied, his eyes twinkling; "once I fell off my boat at the mouth of Bear Creek, and, although I'm an expert swimmer, I guess I'd be there now if it hadn't been for my crew. You see the water was just deep enough so's to be over my head when I tried to wade out, and just shallow enough"--he gave his body an explanatory pat--"so that whenever I tried to swim out I dragged bottom."
A very large lady entered a street car and a young man near the door rose and said: "I will be one of three to give the lady a seat."
To our Fat Friends: May their shadows never grow less.
Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of New York.
"New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky, "without the addition of such a queerly named institution as the Hell."
"Is there anything quite so queerly cosmopolitan as a New York cafe? In the last one I visited, I saw a Portuguese, a German and an Italian, dressed in English clothes and seated at a table of Spanish walnut, lunching on Russian caviar, French rolls, Scotch salmon, Welsh rabbit, Swiss cheese, Dutch cake and Malaga raisins. They drank China tea and Irish whisky."
"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?" asked the careful mother.
"I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the Smiggs boy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal around like that."