The night was dark, the night was damp; St. Bruno read by his lonely lamp: The Fiend dropped in to make a call, As he posted away to a fancy ball; And "Can't I find," said the Father of Lies, "Some present a saint may not despise?"
Wine he brought him, such as yet Was ne'er on Pontiff's table set: Weary and faint was the holy man, But he crossed with a cross the tempter's can, And saw, ere my _first_ to his parched lip came, That it was red with liquid flame.
Jewels he showed him--many a gem Fit for a Sultan's diadem: Dazzled, I trow, was the anchorite; But he told his beads with all his might; And instead of my _second_ so rich and rare, A pinch of worthless dust lay there.
A lady at last he handed in, With a bright black eye and a fair white skin; The stern ascetic flung, 'tis said, A ponderous missal at her head; She vanished away; and what a smell Of my _whole_, she left in the hermit's cell!
Why is a man looking for the philosopher's stone like Neptune? Because he's a sea-king what never was!
Who do they speak of as the most delicately modest young man that ever lived? The young man who, when bathing at Long Branch, swam out to sea and drowned himself because he saw two ladies coming!
Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate (prop a gate).
What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands before its face and runs down its own works!
When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down!
What thing is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A ditch.
When is a newspaper like a delicate child? When it appears weekly.
Who are the two largest ladies in the United States? Miss Ouri and Mrs. Sippi (Missouri and Mississippi).
What part of a locomotive train ought to have the most careful attention? The tender part.
What is the difference between a premiere danseuse and a duck? One goes quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes quack on her beautiful eggs.
Watching which dancer reminds you of an ancient law? Seeing the Taglioni's legs reminds you forcibly of the legs Taglioni's (lex talionis).
When may funds be supposed to be unsteady? When money is "tight."
My _first_ is what mortals ought to do; My _second_ is what mortals have done; My _whole_ is the result of my first.