Never, until she sat there, quite alone, and feeling what it was to be left alone, after being so watched and cherished---never until now had she understood what the world would be to her if doomed to question her husband's honour or to outlive her husband's love.
“It must have been all a dream,” she said, moving her cold fingers to and fro over her forehead. “He never could have wronged me so, or I him. He must surely explain, and I will ask his pardon for what I said in my passion--Unless, indeed, my accusation were true.”
But she could not think of that possibility now--it maddened her.
“I shall meet him soon. I wonder how he will meet me. That will decide all.--Hark!”
She listened--with a vague expectation of footsteps at the door. But no one came.
“I suppose he is in his room still--our room.” And all the solemn union of married life--the perpetual presence, the never parting night nor day, which makes estrangement in that tie worse than in any other human bond--rushed upon her with unutterable terror.
“If he has deceived and wronged me, how shall I endure the sight of him? If I have outraged him, and he will not forgive me--oh, what will become of me?”
She heard various bells ringing throughout the house, and knew that she had no time to lose. She rose up feebly, with that aching numbed feeling which strong agitation leaves in the whole frame, and tottered to the mirror.
“I must look at myself, to see that there is nothing strange about me, in case I meet any one in the passages.--Oh, what a face!”
It was sallow, blanched, with dark shadows round the eyes, and dark lines drawn everywhere. That first storm of wild passion--that agony of remorse following, had left indelible marks. She seemed ten years older since she had last beheld herself, which was when she pulled out her long curls in the morning. She pulled them out mechanically now, trying to make of them a screen to hide the poor face that she had used to fancy they adorned. Then she flew like a frightened creature along the passages, and without meeting any one, reached her chamber-door. It was a little way open; she need not knock then--knock and wait trembling for the answer. Perhaps Mr. Harper was not there, and so for a few minutes she was safe from the dreaded meeting. She went in.