"'Because,' replied the urchin, 'whenever I ask daddy to buy me anything he always says, 'Wait till your uncle croaks.'"
"Here's poetic justice for you. One of these oil-stock promoters married a woman for her money."
"Only to discover that she had invested it all in his oil stock."
"I wanted the gold, and I sought it; I scrabbled and munched like a slave. Was it famine or scurvy--I fought it; I hurled my youth into the grave.
"I wanted the gold and I got it-- Came out with a fortune last fall-- Yet somehow life's not what I thought it, And somehow the gold isn't all."
"Mamma," said the Young Thing, "I want you to stop forcing me into Mr. Gottit's company all the time. People are talking."
"But, my dear," protested the Solicitous Lady, "he is a wonderful catch!"
"He may be, Mamma, but if you keep on thinking you are pitcher, he'll get onto your curves and throw the game."
EDITH--"I think Jack is horrid. I asked him if he had to choose between me and a million which he would take, and he said the million."
MARIE--"That's all right. He knew if he had the million you'd be easy,"
"Why do they call 'em fountain pens? I should say reservoir pen would be the better name. A reservoir contains liquids; a fountain throws 'em around."
"I think fountain pen is the proper name," said the party of the second part.
Franklin, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary society, and not well understanding French when declaimed, determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood French, said to him, "But, grand-papa, you always applauded the loudest when they were praising you!" Franklin laughed heartily and explained the matter.
'Tis well to seek to be unique, But being too odd makes a freak.
YOUNG THING--"I wonder why they call it free verse?"
THE POET--"That's simple. Did you ever try to sell any?"
Dean Jones of Yale is credited with this definition of freedom of speech: "The liberty to say what you think without thinking what you say."
"I believe in free speech!" exclaimed the vociferous man.
"So do I," rejoined Uncle Bill Bottletop; "so do I. But in one respect free speech reminds me of the free lunch in the old days. You hate to see a man making a pig of himself just because something's free."