May he bless you with all that is implied in that sweet promise, and thine age shall be clearer than the noon day; thou shalt shine forth; thou shalt be as the morning.
“Thou leddest thy people like a flock of sheep, by the hands of Moses and Aaron.”
From a very early period the Lord began to work on my mind. I was bred up to the Church of England, to which I was so superstitiously attached, that I held the two clergymen who officiated in that place in their sacerdotals, as angels; and I do think, had they spoken to me, when I was a boy, in their full robes, I should almost have swooned. But, alas! I have since seen they were neither angels of God nor of the churches; for, perhaps, there could not be two darker guides in the church than they were.
I was, at times, most seriously imprest with thoughts of God, heaven, and hell; and was, in some measure, convinced of the evil of external sin. As long as I can remember, I punctually attended to the prayers of the church, and read them with much seeming devotion, not only at church, but at other times. As I grew up, I got more hardened in sin and folly, yet natural conscience never let me alone; I was, at times, closely followed up by legal convictions, which drove me to say many prayers, while the thoughts of God’s anger, the hour of death, the day of judgment, the horrors of hell, and the views of eternity, quite sunk my spirits. Nor could I shake these thoughts of eternity off, which I often tried to do, by youthful pastimes. Gloomy fears would often seize my mind, till I dreaded to be alone; night was often a terror; but I endeavoured to patch up a peace with God, by vows to be better, by dragging through duties, such as reading prayers, saying the Belief, and keeping the Prayer Book in my pocket by day, and under my pillow by night.
When I was about 14 years of age, there was to be a confirmation by the bishop, at St. George’s church, Hanover-square: I was advised to go, and was endeavouring to prepare myself for this solemn act—but having a perpetual sense of some sins upon my mind, I could not, in conscience, go. I attempted to satisfy conscience, and to please God by my constant attendance on the church, and by my prayers and reading; but, alas! it was all in vain. I found these insufficient. I bought the “Whole Duty of Man,” { 164} and sometimes laboured hard with that; the “Christian Monitor,” and several other such wretched books; Allen and Baxter’s “Alarm to the Unconverted;” which left me just as I was, as they have thousands of the unconverted beside. But, as to the gospel plan of salvation, I knew no more about it than the poor heathen in foreign climes.